How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
