On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
