I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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