Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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