Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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