The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
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I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
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Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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