I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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