Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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