I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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