why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
