Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
