She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
