I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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