well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
