its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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