Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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