you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
