Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
