im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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