he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
