i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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