Whod you bang
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
