my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
