Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Someone signed my nipple.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
