Just cropdusted the office
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She needs sedatives and a leash
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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