I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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