i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is Oprah even human
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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