i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
