were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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