she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
not ubering you a puppy
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
