Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
