I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
