Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize