My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
