I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
