what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I can text with my tongue
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
