mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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