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you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
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