I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.