she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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