I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
