awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
