I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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