Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Will exercising make me less horny?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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