Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
