My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i out mim tonsoeep
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
