***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
