I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
