I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
