I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
