I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
