it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
