I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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