she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
