Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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