i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found your dick twin last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
