I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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