dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Randomize
