fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
