Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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