she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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