I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He passed out mid-signature
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
