My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
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That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.